Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Confessions of a love junkie!

I know exactly how that is. To let someone slip into your life unnoticed, how quick someone is to say I love you, gifts, promises, attention, nice gestures, to get convinced they are the best thing that ever happened to you, making you go crazy…making you feel you are no more daddy’s lil princess but theirs…you go through a radical change for them…trying hard to please...

And then the cycle starts when they hurt you intentionally, becoming sweet the next day...hurt you again...And you hang on hoping each mean-to-sweet cycle is going to be the last one...When they say nasty things about you chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence...Apologies that follow… But the damage is already done!

I know how it is to love someone who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have, and you cling on hoping for that ‘some day’ to happen when they 'grow up' to understand. You ignore that inner voice from within and it’s pleading attempts to make you face the 'reality'.

Those times you hope they would stand up for you.. but they aren’t quite the hero – not the way you're probably expecting…When friends and family start those unsolicited advices ‘he’s just not that into you’ ‘he’s just so not worth it’ ‘give it up’ ‘move on’ ‘you’ll find better ones’  'girl, you're a princess, he's an ogre'. And you bear it all in silence…hoping for that ‘someday’ you can take it up with them…

On those gray days where the morning looks no different from the noon or the night…When nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen...yet you hold on…hoping for a ‘change’ from the struggle…Hoping for a sign...When your mind sends signals ‘it’s never going to happen’ and you are so 'unmindful'…You listen to your heart, their dwelling place…those days you cover up your hurt under trendy clothes.. layers of makeup…faking a smile… ready to face the madness that starts at nine…When it ends at five and your wrecked totally yearning for a comforting shoulder…unwilling to take any that’s offered…waiting the never-ending wait.

You literally make yourself sick, because you promised yourself that the last time would be the last time, and once again, you’ve let yourself down…And then, the sweet release…(that’s the best way I can describe it), your heart feels like a balloon that breaks free to float into the sky…followed most immediately by a cruel sting…Knowing that they came back to wish the final goodbye…the relief that was a minute ago vanishes like the morning mist…and you feel like you got a fist in the pit of your stomach.

When you get those mixed feelings of love, self-loathing, emptiness, rage, hatred and finally a calm like you never felt before. When reality kicks in…sinks in…you lock yourself and cry it out…grab some toilet paper and wipe those tears…rubbing hard on the tear stains like your rubbing the flashbacks that stain your heart…You throw the bloody tissues into the toilet and flush...watch them as you flush them into oblivion, wishing it were really that easy to flush their thoughts and move on like they did!

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Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India
writer| model| stylist Also blogs at www.fashgasms.com